Sum relegatae.

"I have been relegated."  In ancient Rome, when one incurred the displeasure of the Emperor, one possible punishment was relegation--exile for a period of time to a place away from Rome (usually--Claudius relegated some people who hated Rome to have to stay no further than 3 miles from the City--strange sense of humor, poor old Clau-Clau-Clau had), more or less dreary.  You kept all your property, and family and friends could go with you--you just couldn't go back until the period was over.  The Romans, for all their legendary bloodthirstiness, were not big fans of imposing capital punishment on other Romans.  Those who know me reasonably well, know why I feel relegated.

It's been suggested that I need to stop "coveting" my old role as Bishop.  Am I guilty of that?  I just feel completely lost and unwanted these days.  The calling of Bishop becomes a part of one, his identity, for years.  Then one week, a leader for whatever reason thinks "the time has come," and out one goes.  With every call comes a release, President Hinckley said, and as in most things, he was very wise in this observation.  But it is hard.  Many released Bishops become inactive or consider themselves pathetic has-beens.  None of that for me, just a little bitter, and a lot sad.  

When the release came, I prayed and prayed for comfort.  None has been forthcoming.  I've tried to address this with various people I expected would be sympathetic.  They have been remarkably less so than I had hoped.  I felt that at the time of release, I felt I was being asked to sacrifice my calling to the Lord.  I did, but not eagerly.  Mormon taught that a gift grudgingly given is of no avail.  Is that my problem?  My best friend told me today that I should be grateful that I had four years and eight months of service in that role that I felt I was "made for."  I'll try to concentrate on that.

Was I a perfect Bishop?  Heavens no, far from it.  But I did try very hard to do things right, and to please God and His people, and I think I did a reasonable job of that.  I was given an "honorable release" and a vote of thanks.  No plaque, no watch, no vacation to Bermuda.  Did I want those things?  No, but it's hard to get a sense of closure on things from a "vote of thanks."  I served the best that I was able.  Is that enough?  I wish I could feel enthusiastic about saying yes.  But I feel like some out of favor Senator, sitting on a rock on some Mediterranean beach, forlornly watching the ebb and flow of the tide and pining for Rome.